S5E3 - “Reckoner”

You know it’s never gonna be a good time when Criminal Minds opens on a power outage. An angry woman named Heather Vanderwaal steps into her home, yelling at someone named Drew on the phone. First she tells him to stop. Then she tells him that he “took Allison” from her. Mid yell, Heather notices that her house is dark, but when she tries the light switch, nothing happens. She hangs up on Drew, and starts yelling at someone named Ben, (who we later learn is Ben Vanderwaal, her husband). Heather yells at Ben, saying that she “thought he paid the light bill”. But Ben doesn’t respond! Heather then sees something, a camera flash. Is there another person around for her to yell at? You know how WOMEN BE YELLING! BECAUSE WE ARE ANGRY SHREWS!

So Heather stops yelling and follows the camera flash, and opens the door of a study, only to find Ben tied up to a chair. He’s clearly dead. Heather just kind of stands there dumbfounded, and then she’s attacked from behind and knocked out by an unknown assailant. When she comes to, she’s on the floor, she’s groggy, but not groggy enough to block out the sound of her attacker sawing off her husband Ben’s arm.

Criminal Minds really did just- give us a screaming woman in a dark house, who comes home to fucking Dr. Mason Turner performing experiments and is like- yeah, that’ll draw them in! Well bitch I’m here and I’m HOOKED please tell me more!

Cut to, sad music, blurry footage- we’re watching Hotch’s son Jack swing on a swing in an empty park. There’s a car parked near by, the US Marshall service, and they’re streaming video to BAU Headquarters in Quantico VA. Unsubs be streaming! Hotch speaks to US Marshall Sam who is in charge of keeping Hayley and Jack safe. He informs Hotch that Hayley’s position was compromised, because she made a number of calls to her mother, so they’re being moved again. I guess it’s Jack’s birthday because Hotch, watching this footage, suddenly goes “Happy birthday buddy.”

Cut to, Hotch’s office. It’s raining. He’s standing by the window looking forlornly out into the rain. I stan you Sad Wet Boi. Rossi knocks on the door and tells Hotch that a case just came in. Rossi then tells Hotch that the case is on Commack, Long Island, which is Rossi’s home town? Rossi asks to sit the case out, because he doesn’t want to go home. Hotch says: “Any other day, I’d say stay. But I just became aware of this.” And he hands Hotch an official looking file folder. Rossi glances at the folder for like, half a second, and is like- I guess I’m going to Long Island.

JJ briefs the team on the case. We learn about Ben Vanderwall, as in Ben who didn’t pay the light bill Ben. We learn that he was murdered in Commack, shot once in the heart and once in the head. Both his hands were cut off postmortem. We learn that Heather, Ben’s wife, aka, Screaming Shrew, is currently missing. We also learn that the caliber and bullet casings used on Ben match two other crime scenes. The first is Rita Haslat, who went missing 8 months ago from her home in NJ. She was found four months after abduction, her body was in a trash bin, and she was completely emaciated. The next victim was Bill Levington. He was killed in his home, but his genitals were removed.

Hotch is like, everyone roll out, except you Reid. Apparently Reid is not cleared to travel, and that’s the briefing that Hotch had shared with Rossi. Prentis calls Reid a “naughty boy”. Reid says that he’s a doctor, so technically it wasn’t a lie. And then Garcia says: “You’re my bitch now”.

Cut to the unsub, looking at some pictures of the Ben Vanderwaal crime scene. He then pulls out a list of names. We can see that the list has five names: Rita Haslat, Bill Levington, which are both crossed off. Then the unsub crosses off Ben Vanderwaal’s name. The two remaining names are Dan Patton and Boyd Schuller. Rita girl, what did you do to get yourself on that list???

Cut to Commack Long Island. Prentis and Hotch meet Detective Gil Hardesty as visit the latest crime scene. As they walk through Heather’s movements as she enters the house, Detective Hardesty informs us that Ben and Heather have only been married a few months. Her ex husband, Drew, lives with Heather’s daughter in San Diego. They inspect the crime scene, and Hotch quickly notices that a tripod was set up because there are marks that match tripod marks in a dried pool of blood on the floor? Just then Detective Hardesty gets a call that Heather Vanderwaal has been found wandering the streets, she’s just been admitted to a local hospital.

Cut to the hospital- JJ meets with Heather Vanderwaal. This actress is just… not great. She’s like “I heard this noise” and JJ’s like “what noise” and Heather goes “SAWING!” Then Garcia and Reid calls with the deets on Heather. They first tell JJ that up until recently, Allison was living with her mother, but Heather had pulled her out of school mid term and sent her to live with her father. Six days ago, Heather filled for divorce from Ben. When JJ confronts her with this information, Heather tells JJ that she found child pornography on Ben’s phone, photos of Allison.

Meanwhile, at the Medical Examiner’s, dream team Rossi and Morgan talk to the coroner. Apparently the unsub has no medical experience, as the hand sawing and penis removing was not done with surgical precision.

The BAU reconvenes at Commack Headquarters, and Detective Gil Hardesty makes a BIG DEAL out of meeting Rossi. And Rossi basically ignores this. And then Morgan tells us that the unsub is likely an assassin, a contract killer, and is using a zip gun, which I guess is when you take a piece of plumbing and turn it into a gun? Hotch then goes: “The camera is not for sexual gratification, it’s for proof of death.” Rossi is then like: “I may be able to hit on some old contacts, but I’ve gotta do it alone.”

Cut to Rossi at an Irish Bar. There’s a guy sitting at the bar who’s like: “we don’t open until 5:30” and Rossi’s like: “I’m looking for the owner of that coat” and points at a coat. So then he’s immediately searched and his gun is taken. And the guy is like: “You’re either a dead man, or a cop, which one is it” and Rossi is like: “Right now I’m just an old friend” and a man steps out of nowhere and goes: “You gave up that right the day you became a fed.” And we meet Ray Finnegan, aka, leader of the local Irish Mafia and Rossi’s old friend.

Rossi and Ray Finnegan sit down for a cold one, and Ray tells Rossi that it’s been 33 years. He also asks Rossi why he didn’t go to Emma’s funeral, stating that clearly Rossi didn’t love Emma, as much as Emma loved him. Rossi’s like “I’m not here to talk about Emma” and I’m over here like OH REALLY? Ray than gets frustrated because he can’t solve a crossword puzzle, and Rossi is like, I know someone who could solve that in like two seconds. Then Rossi then asks for Ray’s help identifying the unsub, because, you know, the Irish Mafia is connected. And Ray goes: “For a smart guy, your coming back here was a real dumb move”. And Rossi is like, “Not as dumb as the one Sean made” and he gestures to the guy who initially threatened him when Rossi came into the bar. Rossi then threatens Ray, saying the FBI is close to shutting down Ray’s operation permanently, and tells Ray that if he helps in the investigation, Rossi will put in a good word.

And Ray is instantly like, okay, I’ll help!! Please don’t turn me in! And I’m like- Ray is supposed to be this tough guy. And he instantly is like pweeze Rossi don’t hurt meee.

Back at Commack headquarters, Reid and Garcia video conference in with their latest findings. Because the rest of the team is just standing around, scratching their heads like, huh, this is a tough one, ain’t it? Garcia tells the team that Bill Levington, the second victim, was involved in a serial rape case involving minors, and it never went to trial. Rita Haslat, the first victim, was a former social worker, who as Reid puts it “attained said former status when she was fired from the DCFS for gross negligence. In one of her cases, a 7 year old boy starved to death.” And Prentis is like “That explains why Haslat was so emaciated when she was found!” Hotch then points out that one of the unsubs, the one ordering the killings, has access to the criminal records of these cases, and likely works in the justice system.

Cut back to the Irish Mafia bar. Unsure what the time frame is here exactly, but ole pals Ray and Rossi are having a Cuban cigar and coffee break. Rossi accepts the cigar but says, “Cuban, no doubt. Contraband” and Ray says: “Some laws are just plain unjust.” Rossi then shows Ray a picture of the unsub’s latest victim Ben Vanderwaal. And Ray goes oh yep, it’s Bosola. And I’m like ???? Rossi why wasn’t this the first thing you did? You really had to have a beer, coffee, and cigar with this guy before asking him? People are DYING!

And Rossi goes, Bosola, huh? How long has he been operating. And Irish Mafia Ray is like “20 years” 20 YEARS? 20??? Ray goes on to say that Bosola is “a ghost” who named himself after a character in play, The Duchess of Malfi. And Rossi goes, ah yes, The Duchess of Malfi. Bosola brutally slays the Duchess! And this is actually a real play y’all, a real play. Ray then tells Rossi that he doesn’t care about the feds investigation, but he wants his man Sean taken care of. He then tells Rossi that he will bring Rossi Bosola tonight, but warns Rossi that he “better bring the marine corps”.

Morgan and Prentis question therapist Jerry Sorum, who worked with Heather’s daughter Allison. Mr. Sorum tells Morgan and Prentis that he reported Allison’s allegations of pedophilia to the police, but Allison did not want to press charges because she was afraid. Mr. Sorum then tells us that Allison’s reaction is incredibly common, advising them that there are 380,000 cases of child abuse reported each year, and only 1% of them go to trial. And Morgan is like “Does that make you want to even the odds.” And Jerry Sorum straight up goes: “Every time I hear a child vividly recount the most horrific acts of abuse done at the hands of a father, uncle, someone they’re supposed to trust, it’s all I can not to break down. But that’s all I’m capable of. After that, like you, I trust in the justice system.”

Back a the Irish Mob Bar, Sean the bouncer tells Ray that he’d rather go to jail then see Ray turn into a rat for the feds. Ray is like, I’m closing the restaurant, you and the boys go home. So I guess this is not only a bar, it’s a restaurant. Also, where are the customers? It’s well past 5:30 at the this point and seemingly Ray and his guys are the only ones in the damn place? So apparently immediately after this Ray calls Bosola, and it’s 4:38pm.

Cut to outside the bar,  it’s now around 11:40pm. The BAU is all posted up in surveillance vans outside. Ray calls Rossi… to ask Reid to help him solve the crossword puzzle he is still working on. Again I say PEOPLE ARE DYING. Y’ALL ARE ON STAKEOUT! SUPPOSEDLY THE MOST DANGEROUS ASSASIN EVER IS SUPPOSED TO BE SHOWING UP TO RAY’S BAR ANY SECOND AND RAY IS JUST CHATTING WITH THE BAU ABOUT A FUCKING CROSSWORD PUZZLE. Ray then hangs up, lights, what I must assume is his second cigar of the night, and then Bosola mcfreaking shoots Ray!

The BAU show up at the bar, but it’s too late. One minute you’re chatting on the phone about crosswords, the next you’re being toasted. Rossi is SO UPSET. Bosola was in the bar before the BAU arrived. And then he very clearly overheard the phone call regarding the crossword puzzle. I just don’t understand how the BAU didn’t see this coming? You don’t go undetected for 20 years without having at least some sort of brain inside that noggin.

Back at Commack headquarters, we have 17:45 seconds left of the episode, and it’s finally Profile time.

PROFILE

• Each mutilation represents the crimes the unsubs believe these 3 individuals committed.

• Both unsubs are male.

• Unsub A – The Planner

  • He works in the criminal justice system

  • We’re looking at both defense attorneys and prosecution attorneys, judges and even cops.

  • We believe that the planner has experienced a devastating personal tragedy of some sort.

  • Because of the sophisticated nature of the scenario, we believe unsub A is in his late 50s or 60s.

  • The planner likely met Unsub B, the enforcer, within the court system.

  • Now this type of justice doesn’t come cheap, so the planner has access to substantial cash.

  • Absolutely no attempt was made to hide the mutilation of the bodies,  which suggests that the planner either doesn’t care what the police find, or that he wants them to find it.

• Unsub B – The Enforcer

  • Has no intention of being caught.

  • He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous

Reid and Garcia look into mob related trials that passed through Long Island courts that involved a hit man. Garcia then sees a case that was judged a mistrial, the case of Tony Meccaci, and notes that the bullet wounds on his supposed victim match the wounds of the three victims. So Tony Meccaci is Unsub B- The Enforcer. So Unsub A- The Planner, must be associated with his case. Reid starts listing all the law enforcement professionals  involved in this case, and Rossi instantly focuses in on Judge Boyd Schuller. NOW WAIT A MINUTE- ISN’T THAT THE LAST NAME ON THE KILL LIST? Yes girl, it is!

Rossi tells the rest of the team that he knew Emma, Judge Schuller’s wife. He tells them that Emma died two years ago when a drunk driver hit her car. Garcia then reveals that Judge Schuller was just diagnosed with terminal cancer and he has six months to live. Just as the BAU is discussing how best to arrest Judge Schuller, my man Judge Schuller shows up at the Commack station and is like “I believe you’re looking for me.”

Rossi and Morgan interrogate Judge Schuller, which I think is a mistake, because Rossi has such a personal connection to Judge Schuller’s wife. The BAU know that Schuller is here to stall, that there are some names left on Schuller’s revenge list. Rossi then reveals to Judge Schuller that he knew Emma personally, and tells Judge Schuller that Emma was: “She was born Emma Louise Taylor. Fourth of July, 1958. When she was six, her dad John brought home a black and white homeless kitten.” And Schuller is like, who the fuck are you? And like… guys did Rossi fuck Judge Schuller’s wife????

Rossi continues to berate Schuller and like, guys, I really think Rossi slept with this woman. The BAU quickly identifies Schuller’s last victim as Dan Patton, the drunk driver who killed Emma. Rossi then tells Schuller that he ran into Emma a few years ago in Manhattan. He says: “I was working on a case, so was she. I knew she was married. But I didn’t care.” Schuller is DEVASTATED, but wants the details. Rossi then tells Schuller that he’ll tell him the details, but only if he confirms the existence of a kill list, and confirms the other names on the list. Schuller instantly states that Dan Patton is the last name on that list, but WE KNOW THAT’S NOT TRUE. Rossi then tells Schuller that he slept with Emma multiple times.

The BAU show up at Dan Patton’s house, but it’s too late- Bosola strikes again. The BAU then realize that Judge Schuller is the last victim, but this is also too late. Because Judge Schuller is being moved, and Bosola strikes again, and kills Judge Schuller as he’s being moved. As he dies, he drops this locket of who I must assume is Emma Schuller, and Rossi picks it up.  He’s probably going to jerk off to it later or something.

On the BAU private jet (hey girl), everyone is upset that Judge Schuller was killed and that Bosola got away! Rossi looks at the locket of Emma and sad mournful music plays. Hotch sees Rossi looking at the locket, and says “She was special to you.” Rossi then monologues about how when he first met Emma, he knew he would love her for the rest of his life. Doomed to be star crossed lovers. And then he reveals, PSYCH, that he never slept with Emma, because he was busy starting the BAU. He then tells Hotch that Hotch should leave the BAU and go into hiding with his family.

Cut to- Florida. Bosola has golf clubs, and he’s about to get into his car. And then Sean from the Mob Mcfreaking shoots and kills him.

Rating Criteria:

• Criminal/Serial Killer: 10/20

• Character development/ character arcs: 10/20

• Forensics/Context: 10/20

• Script writing: 10/20

• Background characters: 10/20

Overall: 50/100