Heather Woodland sits in an office at her job, IMing with someone named Z4SALE about a car that Z4SALE is selling. A Datsun Z. (which is apparently a real car). Z4SALE says “Moving. Must sell ASAP. You up for a test drive?” And Heather is. We watched Heather meet Z4SALE whose face is obscured, and we watch her get into the car. Z4SALE then punches and abducts Heather.

Cut scene to Aaron Hotchner’s house where he is discussing baby names with his very pregnant wife Haley. He gets a phone call and a fax from the BAU. The fax shows a picture of Heather indicating that she is missing. FYI- I will be referring to each agent by their last name from here on out.

Cut scene to The Delicious Derek Morgan at a bar with a group of female FBI trainees, where he is drinking shots and discussing serial killers. HOT. He also gets a phone call from the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit). The caller ID literally says “BAU”.

Cut to Jason Gideon teaching a lecture on the Footpath Killer. We learn that before serial killers are identified, they are referred to as “unsubs” or “uknown subjects”. He discusses profiling the footpath killer, specifically that the unsub has a stutter. We also learn that Gideon has been on medical leave from the BAU due to a mysterious incident that occurred in Boston.

Spencer Reed pulls Gideon out of the class, and discusses the unsub masquerading as Z4SALE. Z4SALE is apparently a serial killer dubbed the “Seattle Strangler”. The Strangler keeps his victims for seven days and slowly suffocates them. Gideon is being brought out of medical leave to assist in solving the case.

Cut to Heather tied up and blindfolded in a cage being tortured by the Strangler. He cuts off her fingernails (gross) but don’t worry girl the BAU is coming!

The BAU arrive in Seattle. Morgan reveals to Reed that he has doubts about Gideon’s mental state. We also learn that Hotchner has been tasked with evaluating Gideon’s mental state or FBI headquarters. Morgan is revealed to be an expert on obsessional crimes, and Gideon makes sure everyone knows that Reed is a DR, not just a special agent, because Reed is young. We also learn that the BAU does not look at a suspect list until after they’ve created an unsub profile.

Hotchner and Reed go to Heather’s house to meet David Woodland. Whose relationships to Heather is unclear??? Reed notices that Heather was searching for a new car, specifically a Datsun Z. Reed deduces that Heather was likely kidnapped by whomever she was corresponding with in regards to the car.

Back at Seattle headquarters, Gideon is ready to give the profile. However, Morgan doubts the authenticity of the profile because of Gideon’s apparent mental illness. Gideon gives the profile anyway.

THE PROFILE PART 1

White/ late 20s
Someone you wouldn’t notice at first / blends in to the crowd
Violent nature of the crime suggests previous history- petty crimes/ auto theft
Organized killer
Psychopathic as opposed to psychotic
Follows the news - organized killers have a fascination with law enforcement. They will inject themselves into the investigation, come forward as witnesses to see just how much the police know, Gideon theorizes that they have already interviewed him.
Good hygiene
Smart - only physical evidence you find is what he wants you to find
Mobile - maybe Jeep Cherokee with tinted windows
Murders involved rape without penetration. Piquerism - sexually inadequate.
Paranoia stemming from a childhood trauma (death of a parent or family member)
He feels persecuted and watched. Murder gives him a sense of power.

We meet Elle Greenway. An undercover agent with a background in sex offender cases. [I met her in real life at Soprano Con]. She convinces Richard Slessman to accompany her to “her house” where he is arrested by the BAU task force. However, Grumpy Gideon is not impressed with Elle (guess they call her by her first name for some reason??). Morgan advises her to “show a little leg”, and she immediately rebuffs him. There is a position open in the BAU, and she’s angling for it.

The BAU quickly learns that their profile does not match Slessman, because Slessman has a submissive personality. Slessman tries to convince them that he has multiple personality disorder, but they realize that there must be a second unsub working with him. There’s also a scene in which Mandy Patankin really struggles with the word “Woodlawn”.

Morgan enters Richard Slessman’s room and says “Something’s not right about this, this is a boy’s room, not a man’s.” Which is pretty dated. I know Morgan seems problematic but he is literally one of the best characters on this show I promise you. There’s a false password on Slessman’s computer, and the boardgame “go” which is set up as if someone is halfway through a game. From Wikipedia: Go is an abstract strategy board game for two players in which the aim is to surround more territory than the opponent. The game was invented in China more than 2,500 years ago and is believed to be the oldest board game continuously played to the present day. Reed analyzes the baord which shows that Slessman has been playing himself and using the “extreme aggressor” technique.

PROFILE PART 2

Two unsubs
Submissive and dominant personality
Slessman is the submissive- smart
??? is the dominant- schoolyard bully, protective of Slessman

Elle and Gideon want to question Charlie Linder, who was Slessman’s cellmate at a prison called Arcadia. Just want to note that Arcadia is not the name of the prison in Seattle, it’s actually called “FDC” (Federal Detention Center). FDC has a 3.7 rating on Indeed.com where one upset reviewer wrote: “I have never seen such a group of managers who have no clue what they are doing. Somehow the place keeps on chugging along.” There is a prison located in Arcadia Florida called the “Desoto Annex” which has a 3.8 on Indeed.com where one happy reviewer wrote: “finding ones self and self worth while working amongst the most diverse group of individuals one could ever imagine.” From what I can find there is no Arcadia prison irl.

But I digress… It isn’t until after they arrive at Arccadia that they discover that Linder has been dead for two months. Instead they question Tim Vogel, the security guard on Slessman’s old unit. They talk to him for like two seconds before deciding that Vogel must be the second Unsub, because he has Datsun Z keys. Elle and Gideon tail Vogel’s Datsun Z after he leaves work for the day, but discover that Vogel has switched cars with a coworker.

Meanwhile, we meet Penelope Garcia who introduces herself as “Penelope Garcia from the Office of Supreme Genius”. She is basically like the BAU’s Alexa. Morgan is trying to break the password on Slessman’s computer, and Garcia advises him that Slessman’s password encryption software is too complicated and that he will have to figure out another way to gain access to the computer.

Morgan deduces that Slessman is an insomniac, and that he must listen to music while trying to fall asleep. Reed joins him in sifting through Slessman’s CDs, they find that the password for Slessman’s computer is the Metallica song “Enter Sandman”. But apparently the album Reed shows Morgan is “Some Kind of Monster”, which does not have the “Enter Sandman” track on it. “Enter Sandman” is on the self-tilted Metallica album from 1991.

Fun fact - I read somewhere that if you need to fall asleep to music/vdieos/etc you are more likely to have sociopathic tendencies - IDK how legit this study was, but its very interesting.

Anyways… They uncover a live feed of Heather in captivity. They determine that she’s on a boat in a shipyard, which we later learn is the Allied Shipyard. Between Arcaddia the Prison and the Allied Shipyard, writer Mark Cabot must really like the letter A…

Back in Seattle Headquarters, Hotchner convinces Slessman to give up Vogel. Gideon and Elle hurry to the shipyard to save Heather. Gideon arrives just in time to rescue Heather from Vogel. Vogel shoots Gideon and then Elle shoots Vogel. Gideon is wearing a bulletproof vest though so he is okay. CM episodes usually end on a plane, and this one is no different. Gideon does a weird old man voice when asking Hotchner about the report that Hotchner has been writing on Gideon’s mental state. “Didn’t think you could hide that from an old profiler did ya?” Why. Just. Why?

But the episode is not over! We see a flashback to Gideon at a gas station where the attendant has a stutter and there are tons of polaroids of people hung up behind him? Not sure if they’re shoplifters or what?? Gideon realizes that this attendant i the Towpath Killer, and the episode ends with the killer pulling a shotgun on him.’

Rating Criteria

Criminal/Serial Killer: 10/20
Character development/ character arcs: 15/20
Forensics/Context: 10/20
Script writing: 10/20
Background characters: 8/20
Overall: 53/100

S1E1 - “Extreme Aggressor”

S1E2 - “Compulsion”