S3E9 - “Penelope”

Previously on Criminal Minds… Garcia was Mcfreaking shot!!!! By Chinly McBadatcomputers!

We open to the sound of sirens. Garcia is on the ground, she’s just been shot. Her neighbor apparently heard the shot and has called the police and EMTs to the scene. Garcia is in and out of consciousness. The EMTs are trying to talk to her, and one Lady EMT is like: “What’s your name?” And the neighbor is like “Her name is Penelope” and Lady EMT is like “MA’AM step back!” And as they carry Garcia out on a stretcher the neighbor is like “I thinks she works for the FBI!”

Cut to the hospital ER. Garcia is in surgery and the surgeon is like “I need suction, turn up the suction” so I guess things are looking grim. Hotch, JJ, Reid and Rossi gather at the hospital, but Morgan is MIA. We know that of all the other team members, Garcia and Morgan have a special friendship flirty bond, so it’s especially upsetting that he’s not here and he doesn’t know what’s going on. The team talks through the facts of the case. Hotch says that the police believe the attack on Garcia was a botched robbery. Meanwhile two surgeons are arguing over finding a “bleeder” in Garcia’s body literally as Garcia’s chest is open. They’re like, bickering the entire time like an old married couple. And because they’re so busy bickering, Garcia starts flat lining.

As Garcia flat lines we see a flashback to her childhood where a young Garcia is prancing around in a ballerina outfit. We then see her parents helping her ride a bike. It’s all like Super 8 mm film quality. Morgan arrives, and just as he does, Garcia is stabilized, and one of the surgeons comes out to alert the team. He tells them that Garcia was very lucky: “One centimeter over and it would’ve torn right through her heart. Instead, she might walk out of here in a couple days.”

Hotch tells the team that fuck protocol, they’re working the case!! Which… again, it’s one of these things where I’m like, they’re too close to this to be objective? It would definitely be better to letter another team handle this case. Surely there must be another team that is at least comparable to the BAU? Anyways Hotch and Rossi go to the crime scene and meet with the detective in charge of Garcia’s case. The detective is convinced that Garcia was attacked by a robber who saw Garcia as a crime of opportunity. This is further supported by the fact that the Robber took contents of Garcia’s purse. However, Garcia was attacked in an enclosed courtyard which was well lit. Rossi says: “Was this the world’s boldest purse snatcher?” As in, if it really was a robbery, why did the robber choose Garcia as a target when she was in such an enclosed and well-lit area? Also the unsub used a revolver, you know- like a villain from the 1850s.

Back at the hospital, Garcia is awake. Morgan is right by her side. At this point, the team still has no idea that Garcia knows who her attacker was. She says: “I never saw it coming, he seemed… deliciously normal.” Morgan is like: “What are you talking about?” Garcia says: “It was that guy I told you about, the one I met at the coffee shop. I wanted to believe that he was interested in me. I let my guard down.” Prentis is like: “Do you have any idea why he would have done this?” And Garcia starts crying and is like: “I just thought he liked me.” Garcia tells the team that the name of the unsub is James Colby Baylor. Garcia also asks JJ not to talk about her like a victim and talks about how much she loves Heroes by David Bowie.

Cut to Hotch immediately saying: “So… victimology. Why Garcia?” HOTCH!! Bro chill. Rossi thinks the unsub might be a sadist who stalked Garcia and earned her trust before attempting to murder her. However, as Rossi points out, the fact that Garcia is an FBI technical analyst, and she just happened to be chosen by the unsub, is super sus.

Cut to James Colby Jack Cheese. He shows up at the scene of the crime and finds out that Garcia is still alive. And he’s like. James Mad!

Garcia works with a sketch artist, but the sketch doesn’t turn up any leads. The BAU visit rental car companies because Garcia mentioned that Squarejaw McFuckFace’s car smelled so fresh and so clean and clean, but no leads. There’s also no forensic evidence. Hotch is like “the guys a cipher”.  I tried to look up the definition of cipher as an adjective used to describe someone but no one uses it that way so Hotch either meant that Colby is a “secret method of writing” “a message written in a secret code” or “a mathematical element that when added to another number yields the same number.”

Cut to Colby Jack Computer Bad Boy Revolver Man buying another guy. James buy gun!

Morgan wants to do a cognitive interview with Garcia. Also the cognitive interview scene is great because at first we see Garcia in the restaurant with Colby sitting at a table. Then we see Garcia with Reid and Morgan on either side of her crammed into the table. Pepper Jack wore a fake Rolex and tried to impress Garcia by ordering fancy wine. He also had monogramed shirts “JCB” which Rossi points out aren’t cheap, so even though his name is James Colby Baylor, he likely has the JCB initials. He makes weird allusions about going to Yale and Harvard. He also told Garcia that he was a lawyer, but he’s super vague talking to her about it. He tells Garcia he’s a city attorney trying murder cases, and Reid’s like “City attorneys don’t try murder cases”.  He knows legal terminology, but is not a practicing lawyer.

Hotch and Rossi bring in another FBI technical analyst to assist with Garcia’s case. They bring in Kevin Lynch AKA XANDER HARRIS FROM BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Also fuck Joss Whedon. Buy yay Nicholas Brendon. Kevin Lynch is very excited about Garcia’s system, he says it’s super impressive. The BAU ask Kevin to search for a list of people with the initials JCB who flunked out of law school. Instead Kevin takes a tour of Garcia’s computer and is like, very turned on by Garcia’s programming. He says: “This might be the coolest girl I’ve ever met” and Rossi said: “You’ve never even laid eyes on her”. And Kevin says: “Her gooey is mind blowing”. However, Kevin finds an encrypted file on Garcia’s computer.

Internal Affairs flags Garcia as a security risk (half her being shot / half the encrypted file on her computer) and tells the BAU to stop working the case. I’m like, they should’ve never been on the case but whatever. Hotch corners Garcia at the hospital and asks her what the encrypted file is. She doesn’t tell him, but he forces her to give him the password, and she does, and it’s “Gillman Street”. Hotch also tells Garcia that she’s been suspended from the FBI pending the investigation. And Internal Affairs agent tells Prentis and JJ Garcia’s backstory, as the same time that Garcia tells Morgan and Reid her story.

Garcia says: “After my parents died, I kind of went off the rails for a little while. I dropped out of Cal Tech, I lived under ground, basically. But I kept teaching myself code. It was like, the one thing that kept me together.” The Internal Affairs agent says: “The Bureau keeps track of computer hackers, ones who have the skill to be either extremely useful or a potential menace.” Prentis asks if Garcia was on a watch list. And the Internal Affairs agent is like: “No, watch lists are long. I’m talking about only a handful of people on the planet.” A comparison is made to Frank Abagnale, made famous by Leo’s portrayal of him in “Catch Me If You Can”. Basically- the FBI hired Garcia because they were afraid of Garcia. We never really learn what the encrypted file was… I guess it’s just protection for her computer system? After she got burned by Sir Kenife??

Garcia is released from the hospital, and Morgan escorts her back to her apartment. The esthetical style is… bohemian artsy chick. Beaded curtains, purple walls, a narrative photo display. Garcia has a projector set up in her living room with video footage of her parents. We learn that Garcia’s parents were killed by a drunk drive when she was 18. She tells Morgan “I always imagined myself fighting crime. My parents were hippies, I think it horrified them.” We also learn that Garcia volunteers each week counseling family members of murder victims. And Morgan… spends the night???

But… James Colbert shows up. Mcfreaking murders the patrol officer parked out front. He and Morgan exchange fire, Colbs takes off into the night, and Morgan brings Garcia back to Quantico. Garcia recalls that when they got to the restaurant Colby Jack Cheese Plate insisted on sitting with his back to a wall, even though it meant that they had the shittiest seat in the entire restaurant. She also recalls that when they were driving, Cabot Cheese tucked his seatbelt behind his back. So… the unsub is a FBI agent???

Garcia tells the team that she’s often asked by the families that she councils to look into the unsolved cases of the deceased loved ones, so she flags their cases in the FBI’s database as priority. Hotch is like “You’re not allowed to do that” and Garcia is like “YOLO”. I guess it’s like 8 cases? So the BAU now thinks that these 8 cases are linked and whoever is investigating them is the unsub??

So Garcia is like, you need to give me access to my system to pull up the flagged cases. And Hotch is like “No, you can’t have access” and he leaves a computer at Garcia’s house that is logged in to her system?? Idk fam. Anyways, Garcia now has access to her system, but Kevin is also on her system. And there’s a little… flirtatious hacking sequence?? Dare I say?? However, Garcia is just so much better than him, so she fucking locks him out. And Nicholas Brendon is… so turned on.

Garcia prints copies of the cases she flagged, Morgan, Prentis and Reid look through them to see if any of personnel was involved in all of them. Apparently Deputy Jason Clark Battle was a first responded to three of the cases. Get it…JCB??? The monogramed clothing?? IDK why they didn’t just follow that lead more, how many law enforcement professionals can possibly have those initials??  Wouldn’t that has been faster??

Anyways, JCB is an Angel of Death. Garcia is like “I thought Angels of Death were only nurses” and Reid is like “That’s one model, the other is someone who puts people at risk in order to save them”. It’s called “Hero Homicide Complex” apparently and is commonly found in firemen. But… ru-roh… Kevin has hacked back into Garcia’s system!! And Kevin sees the JCB info!!! So now Kevin knows that JCB is a suspect.

Kevin takes off to go do I don’t know what, and he runs into the internal affairs agent in the hallway, and double ru-roh JCB is with him!! So now JCB is like “I don’t understand why one of your analysts is looking into my murder cases?????” And the internal Affairs Agent is like “No worries bro, that analyst is a wild card.” Kevin sends Garcia a secret hacker code thing and Kevin sends back footage of the BAU live, showing that JCB is literally there in the BAU. Morgan calls Hotch and tells him that JCB is literally there.

So the unsub… in a sense is… streaming???

JCB knows that the BAU knows who he is. So while Morgan, Prentis, Reid and Garcia watch on in horror, JCB grabs the Internal Affairs agent and puts a gun to his head. Rossi and Hotch try to talk him down, but JCB is monologing. Then, out of nowhere, JJ shows up and mcfreaking shoots JCB!! She kills him!! JJ’s first kill on the job??

When the team reconvenes at Quantico, Garcia goes up to JJ and is like “I never wanted you to do something like that” and JJ is like “You do what ever you have to to protect your family.” Then JJ is like, you gotta meet Kevin. All of a sudden Heroes by David Bowie is playing and Garcia and Kevin are having a moment… aw!!!!!

Rating Criteria:

• Criminal/Serial Killer: 12/20

• Character development/ character arcs: 20/20 

• Forensics/Context: 14/20

• Script writing: 20/20

• Background characters: 20/20

Overall: 86/100