S16E1 - “Just Getting Started”

We open in 2005 in Yakima County, Washington. Specifically- Seattle. Like, 5 hours from where Forks is. It’s night. We see a car driving down a dark road while ominous music plays. The car pulls off the road, and we can’t see the driver’s face, but he gets out of the vehicle, and we can hear the crunch of gravel under his feet. As we already know, from Criminal Minds Evolution promo pictures, this guy’s name is Elias Voit. And y’all can cancel me because I’m gonna refer to him as Daddy Voit for the entire season. The man is hot. I know it’s inherently problematic to continue to cast attractive men in the roles of killers. Still, as this is a fictional character in a fictional TV show, I’m gonna be a trash person and call him Daddy. 

Anyways, Daddy Voit opens the trunk of his car and pulls out a headlamp, and apparently, there is a kidnapped person in there, but we can’t see that yet. Daddy also has a small “foot locker.” If you’re wondering what a “foot locker is,” it’s not a locker for feet. As per the Oxford English Dictionary, it's a “small trunk or storage chest, originally stored at the foot of the bed.”  In this case, we’re talking about a box about the size of a cat, and its inside is insulated, and on the outside, it is gray and has lots of latches. Inside the foot locker, we see duct tape, a camera, and other ominous things, but we cut away quickly before we can get a good look at it. 

Daddy Voit goes to one of those metal storage containers typically shipped across the ocean on cargo ships. It’s locked, but he has the key, opens it, and steps inside. Inside, it’s clear this is his little den. There are metal shelves, a workbench full of maniacal-looking tools, and bad fluorescent lighting. There are photographs drying like this man has been making prints by hand. Wish someone would make prints of me by hand! Also, we love a multitalented man. I’m having flashbacks to the taxidermist episode (The Eyes Have It), where my man was literally such a go-getter, and they did him so dirty.

Voit then goes back out to his car, and this is when we realize that he’s kidnapped someone and had them in his car the entire time. They’re tied up, but they’re conscious, so not sure why we didn’t hear or see them before. But okay. So the unsub brings this prisoner inside and ties him up to a chair. The prisoner is conscious but completely incapacitated, and the unsub starts sharpening a knife. The prisoner has marks on his arms indicating that he has self-harmed in the past, and Voit asks him, “how much blood came out before you decided to change your mind?” And the prisoner goes, “What? I don’t know!” And the unsub goes, “Well, let’s find out!” And we hear a slashing sound and see blood spattering on the walls, and the prisoner kind of does a wolf howl. He goes like, “awoooowooo,” and we cut away.

And now it’s 2022! Girl- that’s the year we’re in right now. We’re in Bethesda, MD. And we’re watching a different unsub (this one we’ll call Goggles because he’s wearing night vision Goggles ) sneak through the front yard of a house in a suburban neighborhood. This house belongs to the Delaney family. It’s clear Goggles has been staking out the scene because he knows where the security cameras are and uses a handheld device to turn them off. He breaks into the house by picking the lock on the front door. Goggles walks through the house and into a room with a baby. Don’t worry, guys; the baby will be fine. Goggles instead goes into the parent’s room and murders them. He then kidnaps the teenage daughter, whose name is Chrissy.

Now we cut back to Yakima County, and the authorities have found Daddy Voit’s cargo container. Police and local detectives pull up to the crime scene and look who it is- Doctor Tara Lewis. We love her. She’s been called in to investigate and goes inside the storage container. The first obvious shot we see of Tara exploring is her looking at a body wrapped in a trash bag, surrounded by car-scent trees. You know, like those trees that your smoker friend has? Then we see Voit’s bookshelf (love a man who can read), and he’s got journals (love a man who can write), and everything is in really immaculate condition (love a man who’s organized). There are 16 dead bodies in this container, and they’ve all been killed differently. It’s pretty gruesome. They also find the foot locker. 

Tara goes: “Who owns this property,” and the police detective Deputy Kevin Henson goes: “Ole Man Jarvis. He’s been dead for years.” Tara goes, “I’m gonna need some help.” 

So, this next scene is where I start to lose it. We cut to BAU Headquarters in Quantico, VA. And we see an office that clearly, at some point, belonged to Agent Emily Prentis but has now been converted into a fitness center. It’s like, half a fitness center, half a storage room because there are boxes. And Agent Luke Alvarez is running on a treadmill, and he gets a facetime call from Tara, who promptly shows him the storage container. Is this legal? Is it legal to facetime someone at a crime scene and show them the crime scene, especially if they are not involved in the case? Tara asks Luke to come out and help, and he’s like I can’t; I’m holding down the fort for Rossi. Criminal Minds has also learned from the Kardashian’s mistakes because we learn that the BAU Private Jet is no longer in operation.

Cut to Prentis, in a meeting, giving a presentation. A man in a suit shows up and is like, “PRENTIS!” She has to stop her meeting and ask everyone else to leave. We learn that this man is Deputy Director Doug Bailey. He has frat-boy vibes. He’s like, “I heard you requested a meeting,” and she’s like, “yeah…” and she’s politer than I am because my man interrupted her meeting to have another meeting. Prentis asks Doug if they can reunite the BAU team, as all the agents have been split up and are working on other units. Doug is like “no candosville babydoll”. He throws around a lot of bureaucrat lingo and then is like, “Rossi’s been acting weird, no? All those years in the basement really caught up with him!”

 Cut to a hotel room where Agent David Rossi has lived for an extended period. We see him heat a Stouffer’s mac and cheese in the microwave. They tried to hide it from view, but I know a Stouffer’s mac and cheese when I see one, Erica, you can’t hide it from me. He watches a video of a crime scene on his laptop and knows all the words. He’s… he’s not looking great. Remember that Rossi rekindled a romance with Krystall Richards at the end of season 15, who was his first wife. We learn that she has since died from an Unspecified Illness, which has sent Rossi into a deep depression.

And now we see- JJ. Who, as the kind people on our Discord said multiple times, “IS A MILF”. JJ has just returned home from work,  and she gets an audio message from her two sons, and we learn that Henry has a girlfriend. Superhot husband Will shows up. Looking hot as all hell. And I say this, with all the love and sincerity in my heart, I cannot understand a word this man says. I love Josh Stewart, he is an incredible actor, but you can’t understand his lines. I’m not sure if he wasn’t mic’ed correctly, but it’s verging on Bradley Cooper from a Star Is Born when he says: “I just wanted to get one last look at ya.” JJ is panicking because the kids are growing up and she’s a milf now. Josh is like, “hghghjehehehehe” and she’s like, “it just hurts that they’re old now.”

JJ gets a call from Rossi asking what her current caseload is. She tells him that she only has a dead guy at a rest stop with a severed spinal cord. I’m sure that’s not important. Rossi then tells JJ he’s working on a family annihilator case, the Westbrook Family in Alexandria. JJ is like, “send me the case file,” so Rossi just… texts it to her personal phone? We know it’s her personal phone because it’s the same phone her kids sent an audio message to. Again, I ask you- is this legal?

The following day, Rossi gets a call about another family annihilator case. We see him still in bed, and apparently, after his Stouffer’s mac and cheese had had more food because there’s a plate with a fry on it, implying he recently had more food. Rossi, JJ, and Luke head to the crime scene. We’re now in Bethesda, MD, with the family we saw Goggles attack- the Delaney family. We get a great monologue from Grandma Margie Delaney. Rossi is going through it. He tells Luke to issue an amber alert, and Luke is like- “we don’t know the make and model of the vehicle Chrissy was abducted in,” and Rossi is like, “ISSUE IT ANYWAYS!”

Back at the BAU- Director Doug is like, “PRENTIS! I heard there’s a missing girl! Let’s get everyone on this!” And Prentis is like, “Dougy Boy, I simply cannot. Tara has 16 dead bodies.” And Doug goes: “Help me help you.” Doug thinks that the drug cartel is responsible for the shipping container. And Prentis is like, “you’re WRONG,” and he’s like, “are you on your period?” Honestly, this character is written so well that it makes me cry. We all know this guy. We all have one of them in our lives.

Now we’re back with Goggles, and he’s selling a baby blue Mercedes Benz? He’s using a flip phone. 

Back at BAU headquarters, JJ and Luke finally receive footage of the Delaney’s neighbor's house that shows the unsub. Because, remember, Goggles, disabled Delaney’s security camera. Luke complains that it took the “remote Garcias” twice as long to get the footage, and JJ is like, “we should call them by their names.” And Luke goes- “It’s been three years. Who are we kidding? I’m not learning their names!” This footage is helpful because it gives the BAU a make and model for Rossi’s amber alert. The unsub left the scene in the Delaney’s car.

Back with Tara and Deputy Kevin. And Deputy Kevin is dropping “vics” this way and that. He and Tara discuss why the unsub responsible for the 16 vics suddenly stopped killing. And Tara’s like- “It was the pandemic.”

Now we’re back with Doug Baby, and he’s like, “Prentis- do you really want to transport the storage container from Seattle all the way to Quantico? No candosville baby doll?” She’s like, “well, it’s a serial killer,” and he’s like, “no, it’s not.” The show frames this as Big Bad Deputy Director Doug is harshing the mellow, but in reality, transporting the storage container to the BAU during a time when funding is limited does seem… superfluous.

Lots of quick cuts. Now the BAU has eyes on the Delaney’s car, and Luke pursues it and pulls it over. Except it’s not the unsub, it’s someone who bought the Delaney’s car from the unsub. But the BAU takes him into questioning, and Rossi comes in hot, basically throwing photos of the Delaney family crime scene at this random man. Remember, David Rossi has been part of the BAU since its inception in 1978. He’s well-versed in interrogation techniques. So after throwing crime scene photos at this random man, he bellows, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU.” The guy recognized Chrissy as the girl who gave him the keys to the car. He found an ad for it online. He said she was crying but told him that she was just sad about the car. And he goes: “holy shit, she wasn’t okay. Does she know that someone killed her parents?” Because we’re cursing now, baby, we’re on Paramount+.

JJ and Luke try to find a connection between the two family annihilations. Meaning the Westbrook family from Alexandria and now the Delaneys. The only relationship they find is that both Chrissy Delaney and Jesse Westbrook (the daughter in the first killing) are part of the social media site SOAR (Safe Online Acquaintance Revolution). And what is SOAR? SOAR is apparently a social media platform created by former FBI technical analyst Penelope Garcia. 

Cut to – Garcia’s apartment. She’s doing a Great British Bakeoff-themed baking party with her anglophile baking club. The apartment is so cute. It’s like, exactly what you would imagine. there are baked goods everywhere. Luke shows up at her apartment unannounced. She is PISSED. She tells the “mates” in her baking club that they have to reschedule. She says, “there’s so much soft butter here.” As one of her fellow anglophiles is leaving, they ask if she and Luke are a thing. And Garcia is like FUCK NO. Luke then tells Garcia that SOAR has been compromised, and she is devastated. Garcia at first refuses to help but then promises to help the BAU one time. And says that she will never be tempted again, even if someone kills people and dresses them up like Star Trek characters.

Ultimately, SOAR is only for people twenty-two and under. So Garcia tells Luke that the unsub must be someone under twenty-two years of age. We learn that Chrissy was active on some pretty choice SOAR message boards (academic expectations, semester abroad, gel x nail art, Korean dramas, bet colleges, and “addictions”). Garcia gets upset that Luke has drawn her back into profiling and starts slapping him, and Luke is like, “stop slapping me.” Good. Set boundaries with your friends!

Garcia and Luke skype into the BAU headquarters. However, things are tense. Garcia and Rossi have not talked since the BAU disbanded. Garcia and Rossi get into it. Rossi is insistent that the unsub is 40+ because the unsub is sophisticated and practiced.  Garcia says that no one 40+ (other than her) is on the site. Rossi gets curt with Garcia, and she shuts him down and says, “nobody talks to me like that anymore, especially people I love”.  

We cut to- Goggles and Chrissy. Goggles brings her to a trailer. It’s clear that Chrissy is being held against her will, but also clear that she is unaware of what happened to her parents. At this point, we see the unsub, and Goggles is definitely not 40+, but looks to be about Chrissy’s age.

Rossi has an emotional conversation with Prentis and then does a 360, and now he’s like, “oh, maybe the unsub is a young guy.” He goes back into the main BAU conference room, where JJ is back on a conference call with Garcia and Luke. And suddenly, Garcia reveals that she and Luke have figured out who Goggles is. His name is Rory James Gilchrest, and he talked to Chrissy and Jesse about reconnecting with his birth family on SOAR. Rory’s parents OD’ on oxy when he was four, and the state took over their property. So the BAU is like- okay, Rory took Chrissy back to his parent’s land.

Between this abandoned, state-owned land and the land owned by Ole Man Jarvis where the shipping container was found, may I humbly suggest a new initiative of surveying state-owned property from time to time to keep serial killers at bay? 

So JJ, Rossi, and Luke head to the property formerly owned by the Gilchrests. We cut back to the trailer, and Goggles / RJ reveals to Chrissy that he’s the one who has been chatting online with her using SOAR. He tells her that they can move to California. And she’s like, “ew, no.” And he’s like, “when I want something, I take it.” And she sees a hammer and plays along, getting closer and closer to the hammer so that she can take him out. RJ then tells Chrissy that he killed her parents because they were “in the way.” She bashes him with a hammer, but he knocks her to the ground and pulls a gun on her. 

Meanwhile, the BAU pulls up outside of the trailer in time to hear a gunshot. Chrissy runs out of the trailer holding the gun and tells the BAU that RJ shot himself. She blames herself for everything that happened, and Rossi has to talk her off a ledge. He tells her that “you have to choose to fight. You have to want survive. It’s been almost a year since my wife Krystall died. And it still hurts like hell.” I like this monologue a lot. And as Rossi helps Chrissy accept her grief, he accepts his own grief.

The BAU finds a foot locker in Rory’s trailer. It’s just like the foot locker from the Seattle storage container. Speaking of Seattle, we cut to a diner in Seattle, and Tara is still stuck with Deputy Kevin. The diner is playing news, and the footage cuts to the BAU, and Tara and Deputy Kevin spot Rory’s foot locker on the screen.

Hours later, Rossi is enjoying a Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese. We actually can see it, and I am confident in stating that it is their large size. The only relevant size, in my opinion. Tara texts Rossi photos of the storage container showing the footlocker she and Kevin found there. Again, I think this is illegal. Tara is like, “we’ve got to waste taxpayer money and send the shipping container to Quantico.” Rory’s crimes seem related to the sixteen bodies in the shipping container.

Cut to Whitfield County, GA. We see Daddy Voit burying another foot locker in the ground. And he gives us an end quote? “The witching hour, a special moment in the middle of the night, when every child and every grown-up is in deep, deep sleep. And all the dark things came out from hiding and had the world to themselves”. Rohl Dahl.